Step 1. With only 10 days to prepare and no planning whatsoever, fly to South America and buy a tiny motorcycle commonly referred to as a “pizza” bike. Ignore those who tell you a 125cc motorcycle will barely get you to the shops.
Step 2: Also ignore the fact that you have no knowledge of motorcycle mechanics and dad isn’t around to come pick you and your motorcycle up when stranded. You’ll learn on the road.
Step 3: When leaving the motorcycle shop where you just picked up your new pizza bike, try not to get crushed by semis, bus drivers on cellphones, or taxis. Use your horn liberally, at every intersection and while passing most other vehicles, especially those trying to merge into you even though they obviously see you.
Step 4: Cruise at top speed (45mph) and realize why people suggested a larger bike. Throw caution to the wind and proceed, racing fellow 125cc’ers up large hills in 1st gear. Earn bonus points by pretending to peddle a bicycle.
Step 5: When you see oncoming traffic in your lane, assume they’ll run you over. Why? Because they’ll run you over.
Step 6: At a four way intersection; remember that the larger car will always win. Or a taxi. Always give way to a taxi. Better yet, steer clear of taxis altogether.
Step 7: Upon getting chased by a pack of savage street dogs of all shapes and sizes, avoid riding into the ditch in fright. Aim for the jaw and give good sharp kicks. If sharp kicks don’t do the trick, stop moving. Unlike a zombie horde, once you stop, the dogs generally lose interest.
Step 8: Don’t assume the guy who asks if you can give him a ride on your tank is kidding. He’s not kidding.
Step 9: When approaching a police check-point, slow down slightly and then blow past with a smile and a wave. On the off-chance they actually stop you, say “oh, me?” and pretend you don’t speak the language. And if you really don’t speak the language, try to speak it, and it’ll be even funnier.
Step 10: When lost, avoid asking for directions unless you’re prepared for 20 minutes of “male explanation mode”, only to find out the man really doesn’t know the way and has no idea where you both are on the map he’s just taken out of your hands. Nod your head politely and keep going.
Step 11: If you must ride through a larger city, act like a Dakar rider, ignore street signs and one ways, pop curbs, and lane split. And most importantly, don’t stop for pedestrians unless you want to get rear ended and honked at! It’s all part of the daily grind. Just don’t forget Step 4.
Step 12: Welcome to Latin America. You’re now on Latin Time. Don’t stress if someone is an hour late, the poopy toilet won’t flush, the gas station is out of gas or the electricity is down. “In 20 minutes” means an hour, and “tomorrow” means next week.
Step 13: When choosing a hotel, don’t settle for anything with less than a couple of stairs at the main entrance, or you’ll take the fun out of the experience. Riding your bike up/down the stairs and through the lobby, livingroom or diningrom is no big deal in these parts.
Step 14: Never, ever go into a gas station bathroom (or any bathroom) expecting to find toilet paper, soap or an “automatic” toilet. 9 out of 10 times you will be very disappointed. When the toilet won’t flush, get a pitcher of water and dump it in. Or ride away quickly and never return.
Step 16: Relax! You’re not in Kansas anymore. Enjoy the ride (through fancy lobbies), the change of scenery, and your newfound respect for American bathrooms.